Jokes

	Jokes
		The Mathematician A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife: you must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Your Husband When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting or him that read as follows: "Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with he 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. "Don't wait up". Your Wife
		Hemel Girls If you are from Hemel you know how true this is! A Hemel girl walks into the welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yes, they're all mine," the tired mum sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all their names." "This one is my oldest--he's Wayne." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one's Wayne, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues... One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Wayne. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, also named Wayne! "All right...I'm seeing a pattern here...Are they ALL named Wayne?" "Well, yes--it's actually really convenient. When it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Wayne!' and they all come running. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Wayne' and the kid, whoever he is, stops in his tracks. It's the smartest idea ever had, naming them all Wayne." The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "Ah, that's easy," said the mother.... ....."Then I call them by their last names." (23-9-02)
		Comprehending Accountants - 1 Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second student replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first student nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." (23-9-02)
		Comprehending Accountants - 2 An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The accountant said, "I like both." "Both?" The accountant replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done." (23-9-02)
		Comprehending Accountants - 3 To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. (23-9-02)
		Comprehending Accountants - 4 "An Accountant and His Frog" An accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week". The accountant took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the accountant took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The accountant said, "Look I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool." (23-9-02)
		Comprehending Accountants - 5 A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of Divisional Manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two"? The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two." The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999999 and 4.000001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job. (23-9-02)
		Comprehending Accountants - 6 Questions and answers What's the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. What's the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him. When does a person decide to become an accountant? When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker. What does an accountant use for birth control? His personality. What's an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own. What's an auditor? Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. (23-9-02)

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Jokes